The Mouth of Sauron Parody
by the zapdos
Summary: A parody of one of the weirdest scenes from the movie. Read it when it's late at night, it'll be ten times funnier that way.


**The Mouth of Sauron Parody**

**I don't own LOTR or anything related to it.**

"Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth!" Aragorn shouted to the skies. "Let justice be done upon him!"

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, and Eomer were astride their horses, watching and waiting, wondering if anything would actually happen. Of course, they didn't each have their own horse; Merry was riding with Eomer, Pippin was with Gandalf, and Legolas and Gimli shared a horse too. Only the King rode by himself, well; technically he wasn't king yet, but there was no time for ceremonial customs. It was war. And this was their last chance for freedom.

After a long moment, a great clashing noise came from behind the bulwark. The Black Gates were opening! Slowly, a split formed down the middle, just large enough for a single rider to pass through. What they saw coming towards them wasn't one of the Black Riders; but whatever it was, it was just as creepy.

The horse was black, covered with a thick layer of steel armor. Its eyes were hollow and glowed with red flames, as if it had come straight from Mt. Doom itself. But the figure which sat upon the beast was even more strange and wicked. It was draped in a black cloth covering its entire body. But that was the last detail you would have noticed, because of the mask it wore. This was no ordinary mask. It hid not only his face, but the creature's entire head. Only a small hole for his mouth revealed a pale chin offsetting heavily tattooed lips. Those lips parted to give a full view of rotten teeth, gums and all. "My master, Sauron the Great, bids thee welcome."

Whatever the company was expecting, it wasn't this. Most of them were too disgusted by those teeth for the words spoken to even register any meaning.

Growing impatient with the silence, the Mouth spoke again. "Is there any in this rout with authority to treat with me?"

Gandalf angrily replied, "We do not come to treat with Sauron, faithless, and accursed."

The Mouth looked hurt for a moment, then curved his lips upward into a disgusting smile. "Ah, old Greybeard; I have a token I was bidden to show thee." With that, he wheeled his horse around so that his back was turned to the group, lifted his cloak, and pointed his bare backside at them all. Dancing on his horse, he gleefully mocked, "Oh, look at me, I have white hair, now I can do whatever I want! Ha ha! I'm Gandalf the White, the whitest one of all! Why, I am as bright as the _moon!_ Ha ha ha ha!" His spirits considerably raised, he replaced his clothing and about faced to look at them again. If you could call it that, considering his eyes were covered by the thick steel mask.

The company stared at his triumphant smile with jaws slack, utterly perplexed at what they had just witnessed. All except Legolas, who was looking like he rather enjoyed what he just saw. Finally, Gandalf spoke again; he was never one to be caught speechless when there were confusing things to say and dangerous quests to send little people on. "Tell your master this: The armies of Mordor must disband. He is to depart these lands, never to return."

"Ah, old Greybeard; I have a token I was bidden to show thee."

"You just said that."

"What? No I didn't."

"Yes you did, you said exactly that, just barely, and then you mooned us all in a most disrespectful manner!"

"Ah, old Greybeard; I have another token I was bidden to show thee." Then the Mouth released his grip on the reins, freeing his hands for what he was about to do. He held out his hand with all five fingers raised. "This is my thumb," he said, pointing to his thumb, and dropping it, leaving four fingers standing. "This is my pinky," he said, doing the same to his pinky. "Then this is Right Earth, and this is Left Earth," again, as he spoke, he pulled down the two opposite of the three remaining fingers. "And this is Middle Earth! Take that everybody! Aha ha ha ha!" This time, he left his middle finger up and held it out so that all could see his crude gesture.

Previously, the company was merely shocked into stunned silence; now, they all gasped audibly and cursed under their breath. Gandalf reached down and covered Pippin's eyes like a child, and Merry almost fell off the horse when Eomer repositioned him behind his back to protect the innocent Halfling.

Sensing their reactions, the Mouth sneered in ecstasy. He bared his teeth again, watching them grimace. "My master, Sauron the Great, bids thee welcome."

Gandalf sat there, smoldering in anger. Pippen sheepishly tried to evade Gandalf's makeshift blindfold. While Legolas was looking a little pale, Gimli appeared as if he was actually about to throw up. Aragorn sat regal, unreadable. Eomer was just along for the ride, so he sat waiting for someone else to do something. Merry peeked around Eomer's waist like a frightened child. Nobody really knew what to say.

Then, something unexpected happened. A loud blast ripped through the tense atmosphere. It was so loud that it startled the horses. Legolas looked around, seeking the source. "That is no orc horn," he announced. Again the noise reverberated in their ears. Finally, the group all turned to look at Gimli, just as he clenched at his cramping stomach and pushed out yet another trumpet blast.

"Silence!" Gandalf warned. It was no use. Gimli lifted a leg and pushed with his considerable dwarfish might, and the air was rent with a clap of thunder. Then it turned into a rumble, as the sound mixed with the echo coming from the monolithic gate. And it didn't stop there.

"Silence!" Gandalf had to shout to be heard as the hobbits gasped and the horses whinnied. Yet on and on the bellowing continued, climaxing in a cacophony of clamor like the crescendo of a collapsing crevasse.

"SILENCE!" Gandalf was almost ready to blast the dwarf with his magic when it finally passed and silence slowly descended once again.

"You'll never believe how good that felt," Gimli said, a look of pure satisfaction showing on his face.

"F-Frodo!" Pippen said, pinching his nose.

"No!" Merry exclaimed, lurching in his seat to cover his face.

"Silence!"

"Haw, the Halfling was dear to thee, I see."

"What? What are you talking about? That doesn't even make any sense!" Gandalf retorted, sneaking in a withering glare directed at Gimli.

The dwarf was waving his open hand in front of his face while enthusiastically blowing at the air around him in attempting to disperse the invisible fog of stench he had just created. Legolas was hunched over in the saddle, looking like murder.

On the opposite end of the group, Eomer was having difficulty trying to think of a stranger experience than this.

"Is there any in this rout with authority to treat with me?" The Mouth of Sauron repeated. He didn't really know what just happened, but he was enjoying the discomfort his enemies were in.

"You know, repeating yourself like that is really just a weak writing device employed to make the situation more humorous and really only makes you sound like a nincompoop!" Gandalf exploded, weary of this dragging debacle.

"That's a strange metaphor," Aragorn said to his old friend.

"I stand by what I said."

"Aw, old Greybeard, I have a token I was bidden to show thee." Finally, the Mouth pulled out a small brown loincloth. It looked so old and worn that it could have been a hundred years old.

For about the twentieth time in five or so minutes, the company gave another look of disgust at what they saw. "What is that?" Pippin asked.

"Why, it appears to be Gollum's loincloth!" Aragorn answered.

"Silence!"

"The Halfling was dear to the, I see."

"Do you mean to tell me that Gollum is running around Mordor naked at this very moment?" Pippen interrupted.

"Know that he suffered greatly at the hands of his host. Who could have thought one so small could endure so much pain. And he did, Gandalf. He did."

"Um, no, actually, we're glad you took him. Nasty bugger, 'e was," Pippen countered.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf chastened. "It was of utmost importance that Gollum be there at Mt. Doom with Frodo and Sam so he could destroy the ring!"

Confused, Pippen asked, "What? Gollum was going to destroy the ring? He loves it, he wants it for himself! There's no way he'd destroy it, is there, Gandalf?"

"No, you've got it all wrong. He's supposed to be there so that in case Frodo ultimately choses to keep the ring for himself, (because there is no way Sam would stand up to him) there needs to be another spiteful character to steal the ring so that Frodo can come to his senses and throw that character along with the ring into the fire. I've planned it all out very carefully, you see." Pausing, Gandalf looked up to discover that the Mouth of Sauron just heard every word he said.

"Silence!" He shouted to himself.

"Haw!" The Mouth sneered. "So that is your plan. And who is this? Isildur's heir? It takes more to make a king than a broken elvish blade."

However, at that very moment, Aragorn had spurred his horse forward and in one swift stroke fell the head of the Mouth of Sauron as he sat upon his beast.

"Guess that concludes negotiations," Gimli announced.

**If you thought it was funny, comment.**

**If you thought it was a disgrace to Tolkien's masterpiece, let me know.**

**If you didn't understand a word I just said, use google to translate it to your native tongue.**

**Originally was supposed to be a youtube vid, but I don't have that kind of skill or patience. If anyone wants to try it, permission granted.**


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